It isn't quick or easy, learning how to cope with and help the defiant child.
It isn't even very satisfying, at least at first.
Trying to understand how and why your respectful, cooperative child became the angry, disrespectful teen you're now having to cope with, and trying to get the "good child" back, is difficult in the extreme.
As your child became an adolescent, you knew things would change.
Still, the changes have created a difficult, tense, nightmarish situation for all of you, and nobody seems able to figure out what to do.
You can't seem to communicate any longer, and your teen doesn't even seem interested in trying.
He thinks you don't understand, or know, anything.
He's become disrespectful and sarcastic.
Or he's withdrawn and sullen.
He won't obey your rules.
He's defiant.
He lies.
Maybe he's even gotten himself diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).
Perhaps he's tipped over into a diagnosis of Conduct Disorder.
As children mature into adolescence, they need to learn to think for themselves, make their own decisions, and determine where the boundaries lie, so part of all this is normal, and just part of the developmental stages all children must negotiate.
Separating from parents is just part of the process.
It's a matter of degree, and for some children and families it's much more difficult than for others.
So what happens to make the transition so difficult for some kids? There are two primary schools of thought.
One is that the defiant child is responding or reacting to current or past negative interactions in the family, such as when a parent is emotionally unavailable and remote, leading to feelings of rejection, or where the parent is overly punitive.
The other view is that the child somehow never successfully negotiated the negative phase sometimes known as the "terrible twos", and is stuck in that resistant developmental step.
What to do? First, it's important to recognize that there is usually some other condition co-existing with the anger and defiance.
In more than half the cases, there is ADHD present, and/or some sort of mood disorder, such as, for example, anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder.
There may be some issue or conflict at school or with friends that the child doesn't know how to deal with, but that he is embarrassed or afraid to talk with you about.
For these reasons, it's really necessary to get an evaluation done by a competent professional, so that you can get a complete picture.
Once you have all the facts, PMT, or Parent Management Training, seems to be the most effective approach to helping the defiant child, and the family.
Parents are instructed to seek reasons to reward and praise the child, instead of only noticing and punishing negative behaviors.
They learn that they don't have to fight every battle, or even join in them all.
They learn how to allow the child to learn by way of logical, natural consequences, sometimes established in advance, that flow from the child's actions.
Medication is often useful, especially when ADHD is present.
A study recently found that Ritalin was effective in eliminating, or at least reducing defiant behavior where ADHD accompanied the defiance.
Other studies have found mood stabilizers useful in controlling defiant behavior where there is underlying depression or bipolar disorder.
Although individual therapy doesn't seem to work very well, family therapy sometimes helps.
Therapeutic or residential boarding schools can sometimes accomplish huge turnarounds when the behavior is so extreme that drastic measures are called for.
The bottom line is that in most cases, there is help of one sort or another available.
Things are not as hopeless as they seem.
Remember that even though the situation may seem bleak and hopeless, most angry and defiant teens do actually grow out of that phase, and grow up to be productive and responsible adults.