My beginnings to the get even cycle were tearing me apart emotionally but also spiritually and physically as well. I knew there was a part of me that wanted to "get even" at this person who, what I felt at the time and for some time after is, took me down to the bowels of emotional dread. I felt beat up and ripped apart. Not so much from the divorce or what lead up to it but more from the fact that I played an equal part in entering into that relationship. This was driving me to the brink of insanity and it was consuming my every though and action. I would do all the typical revenge or "get even" at things such as being rude, running him down, trying to prove he was the bad one in the relationship. This was of course to help people understand that it was my "temporary insanity" phase and I really had no control. Yes I realize that I was looking worse than if I would have just shut up about it. I was making a big deal and it was old news to everyone else. Not saying that they didn't think I was off my rocker, my friends and acquaintances know that I am, but that it was sickening to them for me to constantly be griping about my X.

So one day I had a reality check and realized while looking at this distorted aging face in the mirror one morning that it was me. I really mean it was ME! This is who I became? I started to cry like I have never cried before and couldn't even control myself for 3-4 hours. Not just tears, I am talking projectile tears with a wave effect. After that melt down I understood everything (Ya right). I had to be the best person for myself. Inner healing had to start like right now or I would have found it so easy to have a permanent vacation from reality. The only thing that kept me going was my little girl. I of course couldn't have my melt downs or X slamming sessions while she was around. This was not great either as most people with any IQ know that children can feel or sense something's amiss and react accordingly. Wow was I in for some damage control and repair not only for my innocent little girl but for me.

My first thought was to go out and buy something (I am a woman and retail therapy does work sometimes), but crap...no money! I kept telling myself that is okay I am still okay. So I started with watching funny movies with my daughter. Helped as I had the DVDs already hence no cost and I could still stay mobile as my energy was non existent. This was a start to, not with any intention, "get even" on my X as I was happy and laughing again. I knew it was working as when he phoned one day to speak with my daughter he asked her who was visiting and what I was doing as I sounded drunk! I'm a happy drinker when I do. Anyways my daughter said that we were watching some movies and eating buttery popcorn.

This feeling I was having is quite effective and contagious in helping to start thinking happy thoughts. Happy thoughts lead to less stress and a healthier soul. I started becoming a happy junkie. Anything and everything I could do to bring happiness into my life I tried to do. My life turned around within a month, seriously. My X kept commenting on how happy I looked and how beautiful I looked. This was great news to me as I knew he felt so much better about himself when I was a frump and lived in my sweats and a hair colored stained t-shirt. I didn't NEED the compliments from him to make myself feel better I knew I was the only one who could take care of that and that was the most important lesson I learned but by receiving them from my X I knew this was "getting back" at him in a way I had never even intended on. The better I made and continue to make myself the more it drives him crazy which is not what I set out to do it just ended up being an effect that I have no control over. Mind you I would never and have never did anything to make myself happy to make my X crazy as I really don't give a damn what he thinks. My daughter and I are all that matters to me when I pursue happiness. Funny thing how it worked out, I am so very happy and content now that it drives my X to try to bring me down more??? When will people get it? You can only control yourself and if you are being controlled....GET OUT and make yourself happy. A sure fire way to "get even" with your X.

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