Hearing Sad Stories When You Are Grieving - What Are Your Responses?
I heard many sad stories after four loved ones died in the span of nine months.
Apparently my losses caused others to think about their losses and sorrow.
Though I care deeply about my friends and treasure their friendship, I did not want to hear sorrowful stories, for I had enough sorrowful stories of my own.
Still, I needed to tell my story in order to recover.
I needed to let grief out and talk about it, even if I cried.
Finding good listeners was a challenge and, as the months passed, I relied on a small circle of friends.
Their gift of listening helped me move forward with recovery.
Looking back, I see my grief journey more clearly and it has been slow, painful work.
Grief counselor Bob Deits, author of "Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss," thinks mourners develop "grief fitness a little at a time.
" Grief fitness does not come easily, he goes on to say, but it is the way to regain balance in your life.
I think grief fitness is also a way to regain some control over life.
You may be grieving now.
Maybe you have already realized that you have a story to tell and need to tell it.
According to Therese A.
Rando, PhD, author of "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies," telling your story is really necessary.
As she writes, "Feeling and expressing your emotions is one of the most critical requirements in grief.
" In her book, "The Courage to Grieve," Judy Tatalbaum says friends may help the bereaved by sharing their personal stories.
"Our sharing can lift some of the painful aloneness felt by the bereaved and may contribute useful information as well.
" But if we are in need ourselves, Tatelbaum cautions, we should not share our stories and put additional strain on the mourner.
What can you do when people start to tell you sad stories? Changing the subject is one thing you can do.
I ease into the change with a sentence such as, "That is enough about me.
" Then I ask, "How is your family?" If I remember the names of their children I ask about them by name.
I also ask about trips, hobbies and awards.
Sometimes I look at my watch and say I am late for an appointment.
While this is false, it is necessary, a form of emotional self-defense.
Until I suffered multiple losses I never thought much about emotional self-defense.
Now I do.
Most friends stop telling their sad stories when I look at my watch.
Unfortunately, some people want to hear every detail of my story.
I understand this and, though I need to tell my story, I do not need to tell everything.
One acquaintance kept asking painful, probing, detailed questions.
No matter what I said, she would not stop.
Finally, I blurted, "I have to go now.
" I really did have to leave.
If I talked to her another minute I thought I would break into a million pieces.
Grievers are the only ones who can judge their emotional health.
Sure, we need to tell our stories, but we can do so at our own pace.
We can inch our way forward, word by word, to a new and happy life.
Copyright 2008 by Harriet Hodgson
Apparently my losses caused others to think about their losses and sorrow.
Though I care deeply about my friends and treasure their friendship, I did not want to hear sorrowful stories, for I had enough sorrowful stories of my own.
Still, I needed to tell my story in order to recover.
I needed to let grief out and talk about it, even if I cried.
Finding good listeners was a challenge and, as the months passed, I relied on a small circle of friends.
Their gift of listening helped me move forward with recovery.
Looking back, I see my grief journey more clearly and it has been slow, painful work.
Grief counselor Bob Deits, author of "Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss," thinks mourners develop "grief fitness a little at a time.
" Grief fitness does not come easily, he goes on to say, but it is the way to regain balance in your life.
I think grief fitness is also a way to regain some control over life.
You may be grieving now.
Maybe you have already realized that you have a story to tell and need to tell it.
According to Therese A.
Rando, PhD, author of "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies," telling your story is really necessary.
As she writes, "Feeling and expressing your emotions is one of the most critical requirements in grief.
" In her book, "The Courage to Grieve," Judy Tatalbaum says friends may help the bereaved by sharing their personal stories.
"Our sharing can lift some of the painful aloneness felt by the bereaved and may contribute useful information as well.
" But if we are in need ourselves, Tatelbaum cautions, we should not share our stories and put additional strain on the mourner.
What can you do when people start to tell you sad stories? Changing the subject is one thing you can do.
I ease into the change with a sentence such as, "That is enough about me.
" Then I ask, "How is your family?" If I remember the names of their children I ask about them by name.
I also ask about trips, hobbies and awards.
Sometimes I look at my watch and say I am late for an appointment.
While this is false, it is necessary, a form of emotional self-defense.
Until I suffered multiple losses I never thought much about emotional self-defense.
Now I do.
Most friends stop telling their sad stories when I look at my watch.
Unfortunately, some people want to hear every detail of my story.
I understand this and, though I need to tell my story, I do not need to tell everything.
One acquaintance kept asking painful, probing, detailed questions.
No matter what I said, she would not stop.
Finally, I blurted, "I have to go now.
" I really did have to leave.
If I talked to her another minute I thought I would break into a million pieces.
Grievers are the only ones who can judge their emotional health.
Sure, we need to tell our stories, but we can do so at our own pace.
We can inch our way forward, word by word, to a new and happy life.
Copyright 2008 by Harriet Hodgson
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