Grief Does Not Always Include Anger
According to grief experts, anger is an automatic response to loss.
This may be true most of the time, but it has not been my experience.
In 2007 I lost four loved ones, my elder daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law.
Though grieving for multiple losses has been intensely painful, the process has not included anger.
I have never been angry at God or life or fate.
Three years into the grief journey, and I am still not angry.
Had I missed something? What was wrong with me? Was I an exception? My worries led me to a recently widowed church friend.
"Are you angry at life?" I asked.
She seemed surprised by my question.
"No, I'm not angry at all," she answered.
Though I have not gotten angry at God or life or fate, I have gotten angry at some of the things people said, such as "When God closes a door, He opens a window" and "God does not give us more than we can handle.
" These comments only added to my grief burden.
People who make these comments are not trying to be hurtful; they are trying to be helpful.
Similar comments show a lack of understanding of the grief journey.
After researching and writing about grief for years, I realized I didn't fit the stages defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
She described the stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance -- in her book, "On Death and Dying.
" Since her book was published in 1969, many grief experts have questioned these stages.
Instead of clearly defined stages, some think they are fuzzy and overlap.
Others think the timing of the stages varies greatly.
And others have divided the stages into sub-stages or added extras.
To my knowledge, nobody has written about repeating stages, which I did, while grieving for multiple losses.
Therese A.
Rando, PhD writes about anger in her book, "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies.
" Anger and depression are often combined, according to Rando.
Mourners are restless, anxious, feel like something is about to happen, and searching for something, she explains.
"In fact, you are looking for your loved one.
" In his book, "Emotional Intelligence," Daniel Goleman writes about the energy of anger.
"Unlike sadness, anger is energizing, even exhilarating," he notes.
I understand this.
Many years ago, my elder daughter lost her way in life and I was very angry.
This anger gave me the energy to get help for her, attend group meetings, and eventually let go.
My daughter turned her life around and died at the peak of her career and motherhood.
This made her death doubly tragic, yet I didn't get angry.
Anger generates energy and it also requires energy.
Thanks to life experience and age, I learned this lesson.
Rather than wasting anger on anger, I focused it on grief work and raising my grandchildren.
Please don't worry if you don't respond to grief with anger.
You are not abnormal, you are you, and your grief is your own.
Learn from the grief journey and celebrate the miracle of life.
Copyright 2010 by Harriet Hodgson
This may be true most of the time, but it has not been my experience.
In 2007 I lost four loved ones, my elder daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law.
Though grieving for multiple losses has been intensely painful, the process has not included anger.
I have never been angry at God or life or fate.
Three years into the grief journey, and I am still not angry.
Had I missed something? What was wrong with me? Was I an exception? My worries led me to a recently widowed church friend.
"Are you angry at life?" I asked.
She seemed surprised by my question.
"No, I'm not angry at all," she answered.
Though I have not gotten angry at God or life or fate, I have gotten angry at some of the things people said, such as "When God closes a door, He opens a window" and "God does not give us more than we can handle.
" These comments only added to my grief burden.
People who make these comments are not trying to be hurtful; they are trying to be helpful.
Similar comments show a lack of understanding of the grief journey.
After researching and writing about grief for years, I realized I didn't fit the stages defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
She described the stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance -- in her book, "On Death and Dying.
" Since her book was published in 1969, many grief experts have questioned these stages.
Instead of clearly defined stages, some think they are fuzzy and overlap.
Others think the timing of the stages varies greatly.
And others have divided the stages into sub-stages or added extras.
To my knowledge, nobody has written about repeating stages, which I did, while grieving for multiple losses.
Therese A.
Rando, PhD writes about anger in her book, "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies.
" Anger and depression are often combined, according to Rando.
Mourners are restless, anxious, feel like something is about to happen, and searching for something, she explains.
"In fact, you are looking for your loved one.
" In his book, "Emotional Intelligence," Daniel Goleman writes about the energy of anger.
"Unlike sadness, anger is energizing, even exhilarating," he notes.
I understand this.
Many years ago, my elder daughter lost her way in life and I was very angry.
This anger gave me the energy to get help for her, attend group meetings, and eventually let go.
My daughter turned her life around and died at the peak of her career and motherhood.
This made her death doubly tragic, yet I didn't get angry.
Anger generates energy and it also requires energy.
Thanks to life experience and age, I learned this lesson.
Rather than wasting anger on anger, I focused it on grief work and raising my grandchildren.
Please don't worry if you don't respond to grief with anger.
You are not abnormal, you are you, and your grief is your own.
Learn from the grief journey and celebrate the miracle of life.
Copyright 2010 by Harriet Hodgson
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