If you are grappling with an inability to forgive yourself for something you have done, a "wrong" you feel you have committed to yourself or someone else, then you should know that there is not a more disempowered place to be than that.
There are not more disempowering emotions than guilt and self-worthlessness.
If you are carrying these emotions around with you - even (or maybe especially) if they are running on automatic pilot so that you are no longer consciously aware of them - then you are perpetuating internal resistance which will most certainly keep you from achieving your goals and desires.
It's time to look at letting go of that resistance so you can move forward in your life.
The key to true self forgiveness is acceptance: acceptance that you can't change the past from where you are now; acceptance that you can face up to the repercussions of your actions; acceptance that you are responsible for your part to play in what happened and the "victim" is responsible for his part; acceptance that the other person(s) attracted you into his experience as much as you attracted him into yours; acceptance that this life experience is fleeting and transient; acceptance that no matter what you have done, you can not damage another person's spirit - that part of him which is eternal; acceptance of who you truly are and what you are really doing here.
We have all done things that we are not proud of and I am certainly no exception.
It is very hard to let go of the illusion of "victimhood" especially if you feel that you have victimized someone in some way.
You can't possibly know what that person's experience would be if you hadn't acted in the manner you did.
It's easy to think that their life would be perfect had you not done what you did.
But you don't know this to be true as a certainty.
Their life would surely be better, you may think, had you not done whatever injustice you committed.
But you don't really even know that for sure.
I personally believe that, whatever you have done, you have offered that person an opportunity for personal growth whether he is ever able to realize this or not.
If you read certain parts of my book then you realize that I, if anyone, could buy into the "victimhood illusion" - and I have spent many years doing just that.
But being able to release another, forgive another for a wrong, or let go of a past incident is one of the greatest growth and learning opportunities that there are.
Does that mean that I thank my "wrongdoer" for having slighted or abused me? Maybe.
Maybe not.
(On a spiritual level, I actually do thank him, because I realise that he offered me an opportunity to grow - and he had a very painful part to play.
) It does mean that I can stop asking "what if it had never happened?" Wouldn't my life be perfect if it had never happened? Well, who knows? Everything that has happened to me in this life has led me to where I am now and I am delighted.
Everything I am is the culmination of all of my past days and what I have chosen to LEARN from them.
I believe that you and everyone else has the option to be just a delighted with their own experience as I am with mine now - no matter who they are or what they have done or experienced.
The difference is only a matter of personal choice.
Many feel they don't deserve to be forgiven - even by themselves.
They feel they deserve to suffer for what they've done and that's their lot in life.
Ironically, your lack of forgiveness for yourself, if anything, is possibly causing more pain to others in the present than you may realize.
You see, carrying your burden of unforgiveness is quite painful, and if you are living your life with this kind of pain, then you are most likely spewing it onto others in your life, whether you are conscious of it or not.
If you feel you have harmed someone in some way, you can pray for him and send him wellness, healing and love in your thoughts.
You can't MAKE him be well, only he can do that.
You need to release him from the harmful bond between you.
You must let him go in your mind and in your spirit.
You can't make him let go of his own pain, but you can release him from your side in your own thoughts.
You would do well to endeavor to forgive others who have wronged you.
This will help to untie bonds that hold you mentally and emotionally to the idea that a hurt can't be overcome.
One day you may learn to be as merciful with yourself as you have learned to be with others.
If you are unable to be merciful with others, it may be difficult for you to truly forgive yourself.
And if you are unmerciful with others, it may be a sign that you haven't let go of your own "debts" towards others and forgiven yourself for them.
Forgiving the self is one of the hardest challenges a person may ever face.
It often seems so much easier to forgive another than to forgive the self.
Self forgiveness requires strength, understanding and insight.
In order to forgive yourself, you need to come to a place where you can accept yourself as you are and believe that you are worthy and deserving of forgiveness.
For some, it may be a question of "paying your dues" or "doing your time" so to speak.
For many, this can come by trying to make amends with the "victim", or, if that isn't possible, by doing other acts of kindness or by helping others who were in a similar position to the person you feel you wronged All of these things can certainly help along the path of self forgiveness, but they will not, in themselves, assure that you find true peace.
It seems to me that the most important ingredient is to come to a place of self love and acceptance, perhaps not as a "perfect" person, but at least as a "good enough" person.
After all, isn't that all we can reasonably ask of ourselves and each other? It will help if you can begin to understand how loved you are.
You are a spiritual being having a human experience.
Your spirit is that part of you that is flowing energy to you and through you.
Your spirit is what is perpetuating that life flow that is effervescing up and coursing through your veins.
Your spirit, or your higher self, is in direct communication with you always, but you are not always holding yourself in a position to hear it.
You are not always seeking it and even when you are seeking it, you are not always allowing yourself access to it because you are listening to the noise of your ego or your own limited consciousness associated with this physical being.
If you could hear the message that your higher self is communicating to you, you would understand that you are adored.
No matter who you are, no matter what you have done, you are a worthy being and your spirit is benefiting from the experience you are having here.
If it were not so, you wouldn't still be here.
Your higher self is constantly expressing gratitude to you for your willingness to endure this contrasting experience, which, at times, can seem very painful from your limited perspective - especially if you are holding yourself out of alignment with your true, higher self, so that you are unable to be receptive to this message of gratitude.
Open yourself up to the gratitude that is being radiated to you and accept that, no matter what things may look like here in your physical perspective, you are adding tremendous value and growth to your higher self.
Please know that all that you are, and all that you do and all that you experience is adored.
And understand that this is true for everyone at a spiritual level - including the person that you would call your "victim".
Even if you never manage to forgive yourself in this lifetime, even if you never find your way to a place of empowerment here in this physical reality, you will still have brought tremendous value to your higher self for this experience.
Let go of clinging to the "wrong" you feel you have done, let go of clinging to your guilt and shame mentality.
When you notice yourself entrenched again in that familiar cycle of guilt, self worthlessness and pain, SHIFT your focus intentionally and remind yourself that you are of tremendous benefit to all that you are on a higher plane and you are adored beyond measure.
If it were not so, you would not still be here.
Release the familiar emotional trap every single time you notice that you are spinning your wheels in it and focus yourself on that value you are bringing to your spirit.
It is a value you can't possibly know or understand from the limited perspective of the physical, but it is true just the same.
As you know that your spirit is of value to you, breathing life into you, the very essence of and reason for your existence, so too are you of equal value to your spirit.
You have a symbiotic and mutually beneficial relationship, you are two sides of the same coin, two perspectives of the same entity.
You are worthy, you are of value and you are loved.
There's no magic spell that I know of to get you to this place of self acceptance (believe me, I've looked!), but I hope that some of the following may assist you on your journey.

1. Acknowledge that you are a different person now than you were at the time you committed your "wrongdoing".
   You probably wouldn't do the same thing today that you did then.
   The very fact that you recognise your "wrong" and seek forgiveness demonstrates that you are truly sorry for what you did and that you are a decent person with heart and conscience.
   Otherwise, you wouldn't care.
   
2. Understand why you did the things you've done.
   There will certainly be a history there.
   This doesn't necessarily make it "OK", but it does make it understandable.
   
3. Try not to be harder on yourself than you would be on a brother, a friend or even a stranger.
   If you could forgive someone else for the same offense, why not forgive yourself?
4. Know that you are not the only person who has done what you've done or is going through what you are going through now.
   Again, it doesn't make the thing you did "OK", but it may help to seek support from like-minded people.
   You can look for support groups and forums on the internet, which can offer a safe and anonymous arena for venting.
   
5. Come to a place in your heart where you can forgive others and show compassion.
   Maybe you can join a group or forum in which you help others who are struggling with self forgiveness.
   You will minister to them and also realise that you too can be worthy of forgiveness and compassion.
   
6. Many people find spirituality helpful.
   All the great religions teach forgiveness and it can be a blessed relief to feel that a benevolent higher power can forgive you your wrongdoings.
   It can also be beneficial to believe that there is an eternal, spiritual part of you that is perfect and remains undamaged by the labours and pains of this material, ego-based reality that we are experiencing.
   I certainly believe this to be true.
   
7. Spend some time in meditation every day, seeking guidance from within and developing a relationship with your spirit (or your inner self or your higher self or God or whatever you want to call it).
   

Please try this exercise if you feel so inclined: Put aside some time every day to meditate and during these meditations, imagine if you can that the situation is reversed and you are the "victim" in the scenario which plagues you.
Imagine the "wrongdoer" asking your forgiveness and trying to explain to you why or how it is that he came to do the things he did.
Try not to get too caught up in defensiveness.
A true apology does not seek to defend, but only to express remorse.
However, understanding can be a part of true forgiveness, so you can have the imagined perpetrator explain himself if it helps.
Work on this a little every day.
It will take time, but in time, perhaps you can come to a place where you can forgive the imaginary "offender".
If you can forgive him, then be generous enough to extend the same kindness to yourself.
Remember, it's not about being defensive or coming to a place where you can feel superior, it's about coming to a place where you can feel at peace, with yourself and with the other as well.
Acknowledge that the other person in this party does not have to forgive you in order for you to forgive yourself.
He will have his own journey and he will have to make his own choices regarding the path he will to follow.
If you are not in a place where you can wish him well on his journey, even in spite of the fact that he may not have forgiven you yet, then you may still have some work to do to find peace with the situation.
I personally am convinced that no matter what you've done, if you are truly sorry and wish to change - and take active steps to do so, if necessary - then you deserve to forgive yourself.
This does not necessarily mean that everyone on the planet will forgive you or give you a second chance.
You need to be OK with that.
Each person has the right to make his own choice.
But you can give yourself a second chance and that's so much more important, because this is your life and your experience.
You can choose to spend the rest of it wallowing in despondency and hopelessness, which will serve absolutely no one, or you can pick yourself up and make a promise to yourself that you will learn from your mistakes and you will make the rest of your life count.
I will end this with the words of Rev Beckwith, which I find comforting and inspiring: "Whatever has been done can be undone through a shift in your awareness.
" In other words, it's a matter of your perspective.
I wish you peace.
I hope you have found this blog entry useful.
Please leave a comment to let me know if this is helping or make a suggestion about something you want me to write about.
For now, I wish you peace and joy.
Please know that no matter who you are, no matter what you have done or manifested in your experience, YOU ARE a perfect expression of God.